8 days. That's the magic number.
8 days and I start my deployment.
And it is just now hitting me. I mean REALLY hitting me. It sucks.
For the last...however long I have known about this deployment, I have put it in the back of my mind, bc I have always had something else to look forward to, something else to keep my mind occupied. Last week was Chicago for my buddies bachelor party, week before that was my going away shindig, before that was coming back home, before that was graduation, etc...
Now, now I don't have anything to keep my mind occupied. I've essentially run out of defense mechanisms to trick my mind to go some where other than where I'll be next week. It has been pretty dang tough to deal with today.
Believe me, I know this already sounds like I'm being a big sissy, and I am. It sounds like this is the worst thing that anybody has to deal with in the history of ever. I'll say this again: I know there are bigger and worse problems that people deal with on a day to day basis that are more severe and more serious than what I'm going to do over the next 13 months. For ME, for what I've experienced, this is the most severe and most serious thing that I'm going to have to try and deal with. I've been very blessed to not have a great knowledge or experience of what adversity is like. I do know that I am going to get a lot of it here soon, and it sucks.
Now that that is out of the way, I'm going to dive right in:
Deployment. That word is just enough to scare the shit out of a lot people. A lot of questions and concerns arise from that simple word. In some regards it should. In others, it shouldn't.
Yeah, I'm getting deployed. Yeah, I'm going to war. Yeah, I'm going to be right in the thick of things. Yeah, I'm going to get shot at. Yeah, my aircraft is probably going to get hit. Yeah, I'm probably going to land in areas I don't want to land in. Yeah, I'm going to go through a lot of unfortunate situations.
I am going to go through/see a lot of scary shit over the next 13 months. Plain and simple. No other way around it.
Because of that, let me tell you, I may not come back alive.
I'm sorry, but I have to say it, I have to realize the possibility of it all. Why? So I don't get complacent. I train my ass off to minimize the possibility of that ever happening. Statistics show, that there isn't a freakin' chance in hell of this happening, but, it is still a possibility. THAT'S WHY I TRAIN!!!! Yeah, there are many other tasks that I have in front of me. But this one, coming home alive, is first and foremost on my agenda. It is first and foremost on my chain of command's agenda. The deployment is a failure is anyone is as much as gets sick over there.
I'll probably get about 600 hours of flight time. 40 of them will be 'oh shit' hours. Maybe 5 of those will be where my adrenaline is really pumping and my fingers on the trigger guard.
I train for those ~5 hours. With those 5 hours being spread out over the time of ~9 months.
I hope I made myself clear with that...
The deployment itself is something I am not so scared of. Why?
Because I've had the best training in the world for 12 months. My aircraft is every bit of $35 million. I've flown with the best. They have taught me to be as good as I can be, right now. I've trained to sharpen my instincts, reactions, decision making, etc... that, when I do find myself in a shitty situation, I'll know exactly what to do. Plus, the people that I'll be with, are just as good, and better than me. Together, we are a force that scares the shit out of the enemy. We send them running.
Got a text from my cousin today (coincidentally) that read: "Met a Seal team One member yesterday. Told him about you. His favorite sound over there was the rotors of the AH-64! He said the rotor sound = threat neutralized."
Get it? Just the simple sound of my rotor system sends those ass holes running.
What am I most scared of? You all. Leaving you all behind is what will absolutely petrify me. The last 2 years has been really tough not being able to be around you guys as much as I would have liked. I feel like I've lost touch with a lot of people that I was really close with before I left. All of this happening when I had a wide array of communication mediums readily available at my convenience.
Over the next 13 months, I'll be lucky if I can find time for a computer once a week. That is what scares me.
I cherish all my relationships with people. If it wasn't for you, I wouldn't be who I am, and definitely wouldn't be where I'm at. Like I say, I'm a product of my environment. I can only be as great as the people around me. You all have given me a tremendous amount of support and love over the past 2 years that I simply couldn't thank you all enough.
You all have pushed me, whether you realize it or not, to keep going through the shitty days while I was in Alabama. There were days where I would spend anywhere from 2-5 hours a day in front of my computer, with books, and high lighters, and notebooks, and regulations, and doctrine and other study material studying my ass off at night ... all after 3 hours in academics and another 6 hours on the flight line. To say the least, days were really long, and I got really tired. There were times where I just simply wanted to give up. I didn't want to do it anymore. I didn't want to push myself anymore. The grind of the weeks were getting to me, and I eventually lost sight of what I was doing and asked myself what the hell I was doing here? Why am I doing this?
Just as quickly as I asked myself that question, it was answered: YOU. You all are the reason I pushed myself. The texts, messages, calls, skype saying good luck, keep it up, good job, what you are doing is cool, etc... it all motivated me, it meant the world to me. That was the foundation of my motivation.
I know none of you would say it, but I know you would think it. How disappointing would it have been if I did fail out? If I just simply quit? I would have let so many people down. I wouldn't have been able show my face for so long.
But I didn't. Because of you.
Now I am here, living out my absolute dream, and 8 days away from going balls to the walls, again. Because of you all.
There is just simply no way of measuring, or being able to fully capture what you all have meant to me over the past 2 years.
I have prayed and thanked God up and down for giving you guys to me. For making you all so beautiful and incredible and supportive and loving towards me. I pray and hope that he will allow me to some how show what all you have mean to me, because I just can't do it with on my own with words, or even actions.
The deployment itself? Yeah, don't get me wrong, I will be scared at times. But, I'm more excited for it than anything else. I get to use my training, get life experience walk away a better man, and be ready to really start my life when I get back, whatever that really means.
I don't have one of those boring desk jobs you might see in shows or movies. I'm gonna be on the go for 13 months. How exciting is that? Things are going to go by so dang fast, I'm ready to put all my training to use. Not looking forward to missing you all though.
With that: Please...PLEASE...send me your email (via text or facebook/twitter message, etc...) I am shutting down all my social media next week. At a minimum I want to send out an email letting everyone know that I'm doing alright, and let you all know how things are going. Also to hear how you all are doing back home.
I couldn't have made it through the past 2 years without you, I definitely won't make it through the next 13 months without you all, either.
And if I don't get to see you over the next 8 days, I'll see you all in 13 months. I'm sure I'll have one hell of a party then. :-)
As always, thoughts/comments are always appreciated.
God bless you all.
I love you all so much.
-Ciao
Col 3:2-4
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